She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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