Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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