If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i now understand why vodka
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
