If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
