If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
false alarm. still invincible.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
