New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
