HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
