He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
