whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
