I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
