This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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