tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
