the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
