the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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