I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
