my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I understand Curling. That high.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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