so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
