I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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