bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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