Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
