Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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