Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
