Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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