We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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