Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
