I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
