Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
