and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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