the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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