A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
