I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why can't burritos get me drunk
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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