woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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