before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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