Are we in a gay sports bar?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
