Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
