I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
