her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
