i just wanna soil my oats bro
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
