I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
