Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
