There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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