I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
