Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
