Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
