Well apparently he's into motor boating.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
