I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
