Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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