Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
