It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
