god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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