***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
