There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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