Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
